I asked my subscribers to The Nourished Mama (my regular e-newsletter) what they'd most like me to chat about for my latest edition, and one of the topics they chose was 'romance after babies'.
I remember before my husband, Farmer Richard, and I had our first baby I was actually really concerned as to what that would mean for us as a couple. At that point we'd been together for around 8/9 years - we'd worked through long distances, conflicting schedules, our wedding, travelling together... so much.
But we'd never had another human being coming between us. A highly dependant, tiny, fragile, screaming, breastfeeding (soul sucking - jokes!) human being.
Aside from my initial trepidation about birth (which soon subsided after I discovered hypnobirthing) my main worry was along the lines of 'who will we be, when it's not just us?', 'how will we make time to date?', 'will we ever have s*x?'
Looking back - with the vantage point of now having 15 years together under our belts... having survived not just one baby, but 2. Having breastfed for a grand total of almost 4 years, co-slept for many more and generally devoted ourselves primarily to our children, and secondly to each other... I have learnt a few things.
My feelings, experiences and musings around romance after babies might not be the same as your findings, nor what you might expect. And that's ok. There honestly is no right or wrong, especially when it comes to things like s*x, love and relationships.
So... I do think Richard and I stumbled into parenthood pretty naively when it comes to the ways in which our relationship would change, and the ways in which it would be challenged.
I don't think a single person in our support network EVER talked to either of us about what to expect - of parenthood generally, but certainly not about relationships. Which on reflection is pretty crazy; the solid, loving, fun relationship we have now is 100% the backbone of our family.
If we aren't feeling happy, content and fulfilled in our relationship as husband and wife it absolutely rubs off on our parenting and the way our kiddos in turn feel and act. Every time!
With that here are my top 3 tips for finding your feet again in your romantic life after babies...
1) Go easy on yourself, and each other.
It's so common to feel some degree of 'pressure' for you both to 'ping' back to who you were pre baby, both individually and as a couple. Most of the time that pressure is actually coming from ourselves, sometimes from outside influence such as social media, and hopefully (!) never from each other.
Here's the thing; you might want to tumble back into bed together a few weeks after your baby has arrived, or the very idea of being intimate with your partner might still literally turn your stomach a good 6 months in. Hopefully not because you don't want to be with them in that way, but because Motherhood is so all consuming, so physical and so emotionally draining. All the time.
Personally I feel like I've experienced a bit of both. First time around, following a really positive hospital birth - one which strengthened our bond and love in ways I had never expected - we were ready to be 'together' in that way again way before the old fashioned recommendation of 6 weeks (it definitely helped that I had no tearing or trauma in that region).
Second time - I think I was expecting the same thing. To be able to 'bounce on back' into the bedroom a few weeks in. I think because that birth had been even better, in terms of empowerment, being completely hands off, and my hormones/ emotional wellbeing feeling far better second time around... I'd almost though 'we' would get back to 'normal' even quicker too.
But... we didn't just have a newborn to coo over, feed, sleep etc. We also had a 4 year old.
And for us that meant a lot of 'divide and conquer' parenting. Second time around I feel it took me longer to feel... sensual... like a woman and not just a lactating newborn Mother again. Probably, in all honesty, it took me around 6 months to feel more normal and a little more 'me'. And thats ok.
My biggest mistake, I can now see, was the huge amount of internal pressure I put on myself to be focussing more on being a 'good' wife. To be feeling sensual. To be sexy. I wish I could go back and tell me 3 years ago that it's absolutely OK. That we WILL get back to where we were, that our relationship becomes SO much stronger, better and full of joy and happiness. But I can't... so I'm telling you ;-)
2) Don't just focus on time in the bedroom. Romance & your relationship can blossom in your every day life...
I'm no relationship expert, but I do know a thing or two about hormones & bonding through my work as a doula. I also know as a wife and Mother, that if we only see 'romance' as being those picture perfect moments we had as a childless couple, or those that centre around the bedroom - we're setting ourselves up for feelings of inadequacy & a very limited setting for happiness.
Something which I feel was a great thing for us in those early months with a young baby was getting a meal prep subscription - you know one of those subscriptions where you get sent a box of fresh ingredients & a yummy recipe to follow? We loved doing those together - time in the kitchen, laughing, trying new foods, doing something together. So fun.
Know that 'date nights' are by and large going to be replaced by family days. Even now, with our eldest 7, and our youngest being 3.5 years old - we go on a 'date', as in out to the cinema or to dinner with just the two of us... about twice a year. Genuinely...! And our relationship & romantic life has never been better. Go figure. There's something incredibly attractive about watching your partner be a strong, loving father!
3) Know that you are an absolute babe. No matter what you used to look like, and no matter how 'meh' you may sometimes feel.
Oh my goodness has my body changed and evolved over the past 8 years of growing and nurturing babies. It would be a little weird if it hadn't, really. I honestly cannot abide this modern day idea that as women we should aim to continue looking the way we did when we were girls.
The body I had when I was in my early 20s is gone. And I'm so thankful for that...! The body I have created is home. Home to my babies as they grew inside me, home to them now as they snuggle in, seek comfort, reassurance and love. And it's still home to my husband too.
Over the years I have absolutely struggled with the changes my body has undergone to create life; I've felt ashamed & disgusted at the way it wobbles, the pain I feel when my jeans dig in at the sides sometimes. But for the most part I have felt deep love and admiration for her.
Before having kids I had an awful relationship with my body; mainly to do with the way I was brought up - I had learned that my female body mainly existed as decoration. Something to groom, to tame, to make smaller. My outward appearance was largely about 'looking good'.
Going through childbirth for the first time really blew that all out of the water; I was flooded by a newfound and deep admiration for my (and all women's!) body. At the unknown strength I had. And that admiration and joy has only grown.
Sure - I objectively do not look as 'aesthetically' pleasing as I did. My body is not tiny and tight as it was in my youth.
But.. neither is my husbands body the same as it was in our teens! It would actually seriously gross me out if it was...! I don't want a boy to fawn over... I want a man ;-) And similarly I'm sure our partners want a woman to love, not a girl.
Try writing a love letter to your body, if this all feels out of reach for you. Make a list of all the incredible things your body has done for you over the years... every tiny, miraculous thing it does each and every day. Maybe even try closing your eyes and thanking each part of your body.... from your toes all the way up to your hair follicles.
Your body is always listening... speak to her kindly.
Doula Jess x x
Jessica Ord is a multi award winning doula, birth educator and author. She lives on her rural family farm in Northumberland with hubby Farmer Richard and their 2 wildlings Monty (7) and Primrose (3).
To date her birth preparation and hypnobirthing courses have helped over 400 free thinking parents across the world have birth experiences which left them feeling healthy, happy and whole.
She runs monthly in person birth prep courses from her welcoming antenatal studio on the farm, has an award winning Online 'self study' hypnobirthing course, and serves families across the North East as a birth Doula.
You can find out more about her work here:
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